He said he loves me...

I picked Britton up from a "movie night" at a buddies house.  When he saw me walk in, he turned around, walked up to me and said, "love ya  Mom"...He didn't yell it, squeal it, or jump up and down, very grown up like, a simple "love ya Mom"...The dad of the little boy who was hosting the event just chuckled and looked at me...I had no words...I only smiled! That's my boy...Acting grown up, but not afraid to say he loves his momma...I know it won't always be this way, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can!  

I wanna see Heaven

today when I picked Britton up from school, he had a lot of questions about Heaven.  I answered them as best as I could...Not having been there, I couldn't be sure of all the correct answers, but I gave it the good old college try!  I have known since Britton was born that someday the questions would come...we actually talked about it in small group on Tuesday night.  How the age of accountability is different for every child.  Brit is 5 1/2 and the age of 6 is quickly approaching. I cannot imagine the joy in a mom's heart as she watches her child accept Christ into his/her heart and then enter into baptism with Him.  I get those "mom tears" just thinking about it.  When Britton was 2, we were about 5 months from moving here and there was a song that was popular on the radio by Matthew West,  Next Thing You Know (Thirteen)

I remember when I was thirteen , I saw a picture on my TV screen, The Reverend Billy Graham and the people sing “Just As I Am”, And I felt like You were talking to me, And the whole world seemed to fade away, Until I heard my mother say “Son, are you ok? Do you wanna pray? And that became the hour I first believed!

Every time I heard this song I would fight tears...What JOY that mom must have felt...Question upon question would pour through my mind: how did she know, will I know, will it be this easy? 

Today, after picking up Brit, and he was asking me those questions, I couldn't help but think of this song and I got that same familiar lump in my throat as I tried to answer questions about Heaven and our Savior for my oldest child.  "I wanna go to Heaven, Mommy" "Do I have to die to get there?" "will it hurt to die?" "Why do I have to wait until I die to see God?" "When I see Jesus, will he pick me up and sit me on a cloud so I can see the whole world?" 

I said to him, "Britton, you just have to make sure you have Jesus in your heart, you have to ask Him to be there and to forgive you for not making good choices" He said to me with absolutely certainty: "I have Mommy, he is in my heart forever"  

Oh, to flash forward 25 years and for him to feel this same way!  My heart will explode when he finally is baptized in a church...It may just be too much for this old softy to handle!  How in the WORLD does our Savior stand it?!  

Blessings: something we don't deserve that God gives us anyway

When I was pregnant with Britton, there was this Hallmark commercial that was popular.  It was about a lil boy who came home from school and went on about his life after handing mom the backpack.  He was looking for a particular toy and it shows him in various places around the house.  Mom, on the other hand, was looking through his backpack, where she found a card.  She asks the lil boy who the card is from and is informed that it is from his teacher.  She then opens the card and reads it.  Her son had sacrificed a recess to stay in with a lil boy who couldn't go outside b/c of his disability or illness.  The little boy did this willingly...Every time I watched this commercial I would all but sob.  To have a son this selfless would be such a blessing...almost too much to ask for....

A blessing is something that we don't deserve that God gives us anyway and I have truly been blessed with Britton's giving nature.  I blogged earlier about how Britton wanted to pray for his friend Kate.  I recently found out that I actually know Kate's mom.  I spoke with her at the school picnic on Sunday and told her that Britton was praying for Kate to get better and that he initiated this all on his own.  Today, Josh checked the mail, and as I was going through it noticed there was a card for Britton.  I took it outside and said, Brit you got a card in the mail.  He said, Cool, what's it say?  I then opened the card and read it to Britton.  It was from Kate's mom and it was thanking Britton for his prayers and re assuring him that God is good and will take care of Kate.  I was fighting tears the entire time and trying to read it while ignoring the huge lump in my throat.  When I finished, I hugged Britton and said, Britton, do you know how special this is?  He said, yeah, but how did she know I prayed for her mommy, Did God tell her? I informed him that it was I who had told her.  He said, Oh, ok.  I know God will heal Kate, Mommy.  I said, nothing...I couldn't...My heart was overflowing...

Today I had some tooth work done and my tooth is really hurting.  After Britton had been tucked in, he came in my room and said, Mommy, when I sleep with Happy (his little stuffed friend) I always feel better.  Would you like to sleep with him tonight?  

Again, all I could muster was a smile and a nod.  

I have prayed for Britton since he was in my tummy...but I had NO idea God would bless me so much by giving me such a considerate child.  He is truly good.  His Daddy and I would LOVE to take the credit, but No, that is ALL GOD!  That is the only explanation for such goodness in such a young soul...

Such a BLESSING!!!  Thankfully the Lord saw fit to give him to me...

just a funny moment

Aidan is in a stage right now where he thinks things are "no fair"...and will verbalize when he thinks so...

Britton is in a stage right now where he wants us to "raise our hand if...." it may be " had fun, ate pizza, or laughed today"

Saturday night we were in St Louis.  It had been a long day.  Britton said, "Raise your hand if you liked the Halloween store", Josh and I played a long...a few minutes later I said, "Raise your hand if you think the two boys in the back seat should go to sleep" Josh and I were the only two to raise our hands and when I turned around the boys were just glaring at us.  We laughed, and I turned around.  A few minutes later, Aidan said, "raise u hand if u think no fair"  Aidy raised his hand...

very, very, very, much

I was reminded last night of a quote I heard when I first became a mom...I don't know who said it or even if I will get it completely right, but the gest of it is....becoming a mom, forever having your heart walk around outside your body.  In the last couple of days, I have been reminded of how extremely true this is!  Last night I was watching Armageddon and was mindlessly letting the credits roll at the end.  The song by Aerosmith "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" came on and I was hit with those crazy mom tears again!  After my kids first birthday's, I make a video using pictures of the first year and pick a song that fits how I felt that first year as the background music...Don't Wanna Miss a Thing was the song I chose for Brit's video...It said it all...Don't wanna close my eyes, don't wanna fall asleep, cause I'd miss ya baby and I don't wanna miss a thing...Even when I dream of  you, the sweetest dreams will never do, I'd still miss ya baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing..I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss, I just wanna be right here with you right here, just like this...I just wanna hold you close, feel your heart so close with mine and we stay here in this moment for all the rest of time....

That first year with Brit as my first baby, went so fast and when I heard that song, I couldn't help but think it said everything I was feeling for my fast growing boy!  Oh, sure, don't get me wrong...the Don't wanna close my eyes (in reality) wasn't EXACTLY true...What new Mom isn't dying to close her eyes?! Right?!  But the feeling of the song...it's happening too fast, you're growing too fast, you're not my "baby" anymore...

Last night, when this song came on, I got up and went in Brit's room.  He was asleep and I just knelt down next to him and looked at him for a few minutes..He has grown soo much...

As tears were rolling down my cheeks, on my knees, I started praying for this child God has placed in my care.  Please Lord, give me wisdom, help me teach him, make him strong, guide him so he never leaves You, Lord.  As I prayed this, in between trying to keep myself somewhat composed, as completely composure was a pipe dream, I was watching him sleep.  I looked at his hands, someday they will be man's hands, looked at his face, someday his wife will look at his face and fall in love with him, looked at his hair and thought...holy cow he needs a hair cut! Somewhere, the prayers stopped being about Brit and became about me..Please Lord, don't let me miss a thing...I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss...Help me treasure EVERY moment with my handsome son.  

I ordered Britton some shoes as well as his daddy some shoes of the internet yesterday.  I had to chuckle when I looked at the complete order invoice they emailed to my inbox...

Men's size 11

Boys size 11

I don't wanna miss a thing!!!!

Hannah Montana, boys and girls...

tonight after tucking the boys, I settled down in my room thinking I could find some movie to watch to entertain myself...Instead I found the Hannah Montana/Miley concert on HBO.  So, of course b/c it's clean and I enjoy the music as much as any little girl, I watched it....In between songs at the concert they show behind the scenes stuff with her family and radio stations, etc.  There is this one part that always gets me...it actually takes place in West County Mall in STL and it is a high heel derby for Dads to win Hannah Montana tickets at Scottrade.  I don't know why, maybe b/c I'm a softie for the Daughter/Daddy relationship, but I cry everytime I see those Dad's running as fast as they can in high heels to win tickets for their daughter.  It always makes me feel a little regret that Josh will never have the experience of that extremely special bond between a father and a daughter...How he will feel so protective it scares him, how he watches her become a woman...I have no doubt that Josh feels protective of his boys, but it's different...so so different.  He will never experience that dance with her at the prom, or walk her down the aisle at her wedding.....It's funny...I know I'm not God, but I can picture our Bella as sure as I breathe.  I know exactly how she looks....and I even see her at times interacting with the boys.  I really feel like we are done having children, but occasionally when I watch things like Hannah on tv and I see pettiskirts at the store, I long to have another one.  

Dont get me wrong...I would trade NOTHING for my boys!  They are my funny place, my wild, they encourage me to get dirty, to touch worms, race through the yard and read about books and dinosaurs.  They have turned me into a boy mom...(actually I think I've always been a boy mom)  

I just pray that my boys get to experience as Daddy's the relationship between themselves and a lil girl...Until then, I will enjoy other little girls and become more of a boy mom and become the BEST boy mom ever!!! 

My Precious Son

tonight when I was tucking Britton in, I told him that I was going to let him talk to Jesus without me in the room.  He said, no mommy, we need to pray together for Kate.  Not Kate in my class but my friends sister.  I said, Ok, what is wrong with Kate.  He said,"she is going to have seven heart surgeries".  I said, Ok. let's pray, you go first.  

I bowed my head and got on my knees and Britton began to pray. He said:

Dear God, please take care of everyone that loves you, thank you for this day you have given us, please help Kate get better so that the doctors can fix her heart.  Amen

Britton's intimacy with his Heavenly Father never ceases to amaze me.  There was no silliness in him when he was praying.  No, he prayed like a man with many years of life experience under his belt.  Sometimes I feel like our roles are reversed.  Like he is teaching me about an intimate walk with Christ instead of me teaching him.  

God has big plans for my precious son....I just know it....now if I would just get out of the way! *chuckle*

bikes, bikes and more bikes

today was day one of the Tour of Missouri 2009...I have been counting down the days since April....because I knew we would be taking the boys to the race in St Louis and that the next day it would be in Cape!  They had a blast!  Brit said, "this is so awesome" and Aidan even enjoyed the bicycles....the race at St Louis was about 3 hours in length and it was just as Britton said, it was AWESOME!!!  It is so amazing to be just 3 feet from the world famous cyclists that you have seen on TV racing in France!  Jens Vaught was there and we watched him take a HUGE tumble in France this summer...he looked like he recovered fine!  Another huge moment for me was Floyd Landis was there and riding...never thought we'd see that again!  Of course, my favorite, LEVI was there and that was exciting, but Brit wanted to cheer Jens on, so we will follow the race even AFTER it has left Cape and cheer on Jens!  

My boys are learning that there are more organized sports out there than just baseball, basketball and football and I LOVE it!  I didn't learn this life lesson until later in life...and I wish I had..but I will celebrate these precious  moments when I can show my boys another world!  

I am attaching a picture of Aidan and his Daddy....when I took the picture I was saying, say cheese, aidan smile...no go...I said, say bicycle..he looked straight at the camera and said "bicycle"...I told Josh later..just watch, he will end up being our cyclist!  

school, plans, the future

Today was a tough day for me.  Last night was my first PTL meeting as a MOM.  I've been to PTO meetings as a teacher before, but last night I was a mommy there for my boy!  I knew when we signed Britton up in a Lutheran school that they used the Accelerated Reader program to teach reading.  I cannot stand that reading program.  It really limits their access to quality literature.  And I know some kids will not read a book, no matter how good it may be because it's not on the AR list!  Then on top of this curriculum upset, I felt so out of place last night b/c we are NOT Lutheran.  They said the Lord's Prayer to close and it was so robotic it made me uncomfortable.  I actually forgot some of the words because I was so distracted by the monotonous tones and unfeeling words coming out of their mouths.  Mine as well.....then as if that wasn't enough....no one tried to meet us...Britton's teacher didn't even try to reach out to us....I have never felt so disappointed.  I have dreamed of the day when I could be active and involved in the PTL at my child's school and I felt like the only way you could REALLY be involved was if you went to St Paul.  So frustrating....

So, today...just on a whim, I got on the website of the school that the boys would go to if we moved to Colorado Springs.  It is phenomenal...Spanish, French, Latin...not to mention Apologetics, Roman studies...etc...the boys would learn sooooo much!  Plus it's inter-denominational....I could have cried....my heart wants so much more for them...so much more opportunity....

Plus, I want the boys to be in a community where they are actively seeking God's will...we have had such a hard time here, that I don't know if that will happen...As anyone can see by reading this, my heart is in turmoil.  I am trying to pray for God's will on us moving...but I find myself begging and pleading and like a spoiled child, presenting my case to Him...

So, here's my prayer and I will have to remind myself of this prayer on a regular basis..

Lord, you're will, but you know my heart...You know our struggles here...but we want to be obedient to you...If it is your will for us to stay, please protect us, give us a community, a church to be involved in, help us with our finances...help us clean up this mess that I got us in....But if it is within your will for us to move, help us find a job, a home, a church, and help the transition for the boys be a smooth one...Make it clear for us Lord....as I want it so bad, I am looking for ANY sort of sign....Give us wisdom, patience and contentment while I wait.....and remind me that while I'm waiting, I need to worship, while I'm waiting, I will serve you, while I'm waiting, I will not fail...I'll be running the race...even while I wait...

Amen...