I Refuse..

I went to see Josh Wilson in concert last night with my three boys and husband. I was so excited to see Josh and Matthew West both...I couldn't wait to see Josh Wilson sing my song "Before The Morning", a song that has become a sort of anthem for me.

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there's a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Every part of this song resonates with me. There have been so many times when I have felt like I am being attacked by everything at once, and I say a prayer, something like, God I cannot handle this anymore...and it is ALWAYS at that moment whether I'm in the car or in the house with the radio on, that at that moment, I hear "Before the Morning" come on.

So, here we were at the concert and I was so eager to hear Josh Wilson sing my song. The first song he sings is "I Refuse", a song I have heard on the radio numerous times, but never REALLY listened to. Sunday night, I listened.

Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care.

I don’t want to say another empty prayer.

Oh, I refuse to

Sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself.

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse.

A year and a half ago, God told me that we would be moving to Colorado. I really wasn't sure why, still am not sure, but the love that God has given me for this place is unmistakable. I have no doubt that either for my sons future's or mine and Josh's, our home will someday be Colorado. Occasionally, I get scared and think maybe I have misunderstood. Maybe God really DIDN'T call me. Maybe I am wrong. I have the thoughts that I am comfortable here. My kids are in good schools, we have friends, our families are here...But Sunday, as I actually listened to this song, it was like God was slapping me in between the eyes. Because, I DON'T want to live like I don't care...I DON'T want to say another empty prayer...I REFUSE..I refuse to sit around and wait for SOMEONE else to do what GOD has called me to DO MYSELF...I COULD choose not to move, but I REFUSE! In the last year and a half, God has shown me many things. Yes, I can do work here, but he has called me to do work THERE. I could choose, not to move, but...hey, I REFUSE! I am NOT going to let anyone else do the job God has called me to.

I may not know exactly WHEN God is going to say, GO...I do not know HOW it is all going to work out...but I am willing, I am ready and I am living for Him while I'm waiting...

Breathless

Riding on the wings of a major spiritual high last night, I awoke this morning and felt this crazy urge to write. I don't know why I am always surprised when God does something BIG in my life..but last night he did and I feel almost breathless.

I don't recall if I have mentioned it before, but after all three of my babies, I suffered from fairly serious post-partum depression. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have post-partum psychosis, where the mom considers harming herself or the baby, but depression. I was extremely weepy after each delivery and with Liam was hit with something new, panic attacks. I only had 2 before we figured out the cause and called the doctor, but they scared me to death. If you've ever had one, you know exactly what I'm talking about..if you haven't, pray you don't! My brother, whom was staying with us at the time, was scared to death. And to tell you the truth, so was I. Due to the fact that I am now, almost 8 months post partum, I have begun weaning myself off the medicine used to treat my post-partum depression symptoms. In the past I have been so eager to stop them, that I began weaning with anticipation. However, this time, I was a little frightened. I told you, those panic attacks scared me to death and I did NOT want to face them again. I told Josh if he sees ANYTHING different to please tell me.

Yesterday, having had very little medication for a few days, I felt kinda dumpy. I debated whether it was meds or stress or just the fact that I cannot seem to kick this cold. I decided it was the cold and proceeded on. However, all day long I longed to speak to my closest gal pal. She lives in another city, several hours away, and she teaches, making reaching her during the day impossible, unless of an emergency. I was feeling icky, emotionally, but that definitely didn't qualify as an emergency. I called a few friends, who are local and chatted with them and though it was great, I just really needed to talk to my gal pal. If you have a gal pal, you understand why. It's that one in a million friendship. My friend, Cris and I, have been there for each other's babies births, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, even had a fallen out at one time, but the friendship has endured the trials thrown at it. Our personalities are so different...but for some reason that makes it work. I tend to be opinionated, she is reserved, I am quick tempered, she is calm and collected at all times...I cannot recall when I have EVER heard her raise her voice....I have a feeling she cannot say the same about me. Whenever I think of describing my friend, I recall the line from the movie StepMom when Julia Roberts is describing Susan Sarandon. She said, "you are mother earth incarnate." That is my friend Cris. She makes everything from scratch...I will manage to find a short cut for everything I bake/cook! Her house is immaculate at all times....mine, eh...She is tall, I am short...she is skinny, me..well. *chuckle* When Cris was pregnant with her babies, she looked like she was carrying a basketball....I, on the other hand, LOOKED like a basketball! So opposite yet, she is the yin to my yang. She can manage to make me laugh when no one else can. It's a type of sisterhood that until I met Cris, had never truly experienced before. So, due to my cold and dumpy feeling, I realized that I just needed, what Josh and I refer to as, a Cris-chat. Unable to, I just pressed on, played with my boys, cleaning house, etc. While sitting at the dinner table, my phone beeped that I had a new message on Facebook. I glanced and noticed it was from Cris. Knowing that it was likely their suppertime too, I thought I had better look to make sure all was well. After opening the message I was speechless. It said that she and her family had been at our favorite pizza place and she had seen two families enjoying pizza together and it made her sad...and missing us. Oy, did I understand that feeling! I read the message to Josh and decided to message her after we ate, but continued to ponder our friendship. You see recently, I have come face to face with a few people who during mine and Josh's turbulent time, managed to make things so much worse for us. For some reason, it was like they were getting a high from stirring things up. I have carried a sort of guilt with me over this and had the thought, well, if I had been a better friend, or maybe I am wrong...or maybe...

Not realizing that this could be part of the reason for my dumpy feeling, I hadn't really talked with Josh about it, much less prayed about it. After my message from Cris, I still hadn't given it much thought, but I had this overwhelming sense to get my bible out and read it. I wanted to find a scripture to pray over our friendship. So armed with my Bible and my laptop (I use a program on it that allows me to do key word searches in the Bible) I typed in "friendship".

Here is the GOOD part...8 scripture references came up. This was the first one....

"Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live." Deuteronomy 23:6

I was speechless. As soon as I read this I knew, I KNEW how troubled my spirit had been over these recent reminders. Once again, God came forward and said, HEY! (I always imagine him saying, HEY WOMAN!!! No idea why..*chuckle*) It's time to put aside the guilt, quit letting it eat you, keep you from me and don't worry about it. Now, the whole point in me looking in my Bible was to find a scripture to pray over my friendship with Cris, or so I thought...directly under the Deuteronomy verse was this...

"Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town." 1 Samuel 20:14

A reminder...using David again...the person I most relate to in my life...and here he is again. Reminding me that God is in control...God gave me Cris...she is my sister...and though I have been hurt by friendships in the past, God is protecting me.

I had this overwhelming urge to share this scripture/revelation with my friend so I private messaged her on FB. Explaining how we ARE Jonathan and David...she private messaged me back, in agreement. Oh what a blessing.

I am breathless....even now, as I recall the feeling I had when God showed me these two scriptures. I cannot help but praise Him. He showed me the first one...because without the cleansing of my spirit that needed to occur, the second wouldn't have held as much merit. He cleansed me, then restored me...As he always does....he is the same, yesterday, today and forever, and for THAT I am breathless...

A tradition of giving...

Today we celebrated Britton's birthday. We had his birthday party at the local bounce place. About 18 of his closest friends came and celebrated with us. It was a ton of fun. Today, however, it was not only fun, but just felt right...In our family, Josh and I feel like the art of gift giving isn't just about the gimme gimme gimme's...it's about someone who cares about you picking out a gift that they feel represents you or their friendship with you. Then the beauty of giving that special gift to you and being able to look you in the face as you marvel while opening it. In order to teach this lesson, when one of our boys are invited to a party, we take the boys to the store and let them pick out a gift for their friend. And when one of our boys is the recipient, we have each child who has brought a gift to one of our boys, we have that child hand the gift, one at a time to him. Sounds confusing...a wee bit crazy...and yes it takes more time...but the rewards are priceless!

At Aidan's last birthday, I asked each child, who brought a present to get their present and give it to Aidan...we did this one at a time...then Aidan was able to sit with his friend and open the gift they chose for him. With Aidan, because of his age, the child watched Aidan open his gift and then moved over and let the next person go...but this time, with Brit it was a little different. Because our "gift giving/receiving" tradition is so different, I always have to explain it. But not once have I heard anyone complain. Why would they...who doesn't want to GIVE and hand a gift to their friend and see the excitement on their face as they open it?! Sometimes the giving is the BEST part!! Especially if you have picked the gift that you feel is the perfect gift! After I explain our tradition, the kids run to get their presents and are constantly asking if they can go next. This year, as I said, I explained our tradition, let the kiddos get their gifts and then called them up one by one to hand their specially chosen gift to Britton. As Britton opened the gift, I took a picture of them together. I usually send the picture with the Thank You card. As I said, in years past, as with Aidan, it usually goes fairly fast. However, this year it was different. Maybe because they're older but things were definitely different. Britton's friends sat with him, some for several minutes as he opened their gift. They visited, giggled, the friends shared WHY they chose that gift and some even explained how cool it was because it.... It was touching to see. At one point, one of Brit's friends explained how she had made his card just for him...she had worked hard and it was evident. Britton looked at the card and said, "wow, Celesse, that's precious." During one moment, I moved closer to Brit's chair to hurry him and his little friend along, when I saw them huddled over the book that Brit had just been given, discussing how cool it was...I took a step back and paused...I thought, why rush him. This is why we chose to do things this way...so that Britton understands that the truest gift is one given of the heart. It doesn't matter how much it is, or how fancy or big it is...just that the person thought enough of him to give him a gift. A gift that they chose for him.

I am so proud of my little 7 year old man...today, on his 7th birthday...he got it..he understood the joy of receiving and giving a gift. Some may think it's a silly tradition, and yes, it definitely takes twice as long, but for my family...we will continue this tradition as long as my boys are under my roof...and I look forward to the day when they pass it onto their children. What is more fun than receiving a gift but GIVING one?!!

Time

In four days my oldest child will turn 7. I remember so clearly the feeling of pure joy I felt when I first saw him. I have been thinking all week of the first time I saw him and the moments after. I remember my mom gasping in joy and saying, "Oh Misty" when she saw him exit my body and enter into this world. I remember how he refused to cry and how when they kept putting oxygen on him he would bat it away. He didn't need oxygen, silly nurses! I remember that he finally did cry as they gave him his bath and man did he cry! I remember it all. I found some pictures recently of Brit around 6 months of age, the same age as Liam. I sat in the floor and stared at them and thought where has the TIME gone? Yes, I know, he is ONLY 7..but it has went too fast. Let me tell you my thought process here...

My brother, who is now 23, was seven when I got married. I remember so vividly the little boy he was. Now, in four short months he will be getting married himself. Where has the time gone? He is a grown man now and ready to start a life of his own, like I did some 15 years ago. I know some of the time passed while I was in college and working. But pass it did...Now, here we are...my oldest son is 7, the same age my brother was when I got married and all I can think is I'm not ready for it to pass quite as quickly this time. I don't have any regrets with my brother because as much as I love him, he is not mine. But this time... I want to enjoy every moment....breathe in every second....and live every minute with my son. I don't want to be standing in a church with Britton ready to watch him marry his bride and say where did the time go? I do not want any regrets. I want to cherish it all. Every single bit of it! Even the times when we disagree or he makes poor choices....all of it. Because Britton is mine.

So here's to the next 15 years with my eldest son...I know without a doubt he will do great things..I am so proud to be his momma...so my prayer is God if you see me NOT enjoying every moment with him...give me a jolt...wake me up...shake me..remind me...how quick the time goes.

Our Song

With both Aidan and Britton, I had found a special song that represented our "first year" together. Brit's was "I don't wanna miss a thing" & Aidan's was "In My Arms". I have been trying so hard to come up with a song that is Liam and I. He is now six months old and time seems to be flying by. In no time at all I will need to put my video together of our first year with Liam. I heard a song the other day, have heard it a million times but for some reason it struck a chord with me. It is "Smile" by Uncle Kracker. The song is written by a man about the woman he is in love with..but as I listened I realized in a funny way, it described the relationship Liam and I have and the love that he brings to this family. I haven't decided for sure yet, but I have a feeling this will be "our song"...

I know it's silly, but when I think of my boys and "Our Song(s)" I have a million different images in my mind. One is so clear and special it gives me pause. It is a picture of me dancing with my boys, at their weddings, with "Our Song" playing...our last dance before he forever looks at his bride the way he looks at me right now.

What a 7 Year Old Taught Me

On Saturday Britton did a fundraiser for an all accessible playground. He heard the story of Melaina, a sweet little girl was a vibrant and spunky 3-year- old who didn’t let a disease like Nemaline Myopathy diminish her spirit. Even though she had some physical limitations, she still wanted the adventure that comes to a child through a playground. An adventurous girl much like Britton. Every since Britton heard about Melaina he has been determined to help in the building of this all accessible playground. He says it's important for "all kids to play together." His heart was touched. Last year he organized a hot cocoa sale at the hospital in his daddy's work lounge. He did it all, I merely assisted. I sat in awe of him while he explained in detail why this playground is so extremely important. He has been after me to help him do something else for Melaina's playground. I kept putting it off, chalking it all up to the busyness of life. A few weeks ago, he looked at me and said, "Momma, we have GOT to do SOMETHING." I knew my procrastination was at it's end. Thanks to a friend, we had discovered some yummy chocolate from Wisconsin. Brit and I discussed and came to the conclusion that these yummy Easter bunnies and lambs would be a fun thing for him to sell. So, on Saturday at the Pre Spring Fling, he sold his bunnies and lambs. Once again, I sat in awe as he grinned his toothless grin from ear to ear and sold people candy to help build a playground. I have no doubt that God laid on his heart to do this. Though his father and I believe it is an amazing cause, his passion is his own. He explains, with confidence, the reason this is important to people with questions. They look to his father and I and seem to think it's our words he is sharing...It is not. Britton has always been his own person. I think back to his toddler years when he showed such compassion at the young age of 2 at the train table at Barnes and Noble. He IS a wonderful example of what Compassion can truly look like.

In watching him on Saturday, I realized that I can learn much from my little seven year old man. He loves without limits. I watched him with Mrs. Cunningham, Melaina's mommy, on Saturday and though he has just met her, he loves her. She is a part of HIS family, HIS circle. He loves freely. No one has to DO anything to earn his love. He just does. And he does so in a VERY mature manner.

He is full of compassion. One Sunday Britton and I were watching Extreme HomeMakeover and there was a story of a little boy who gave his house to another family who did not have one. Britton was amazed by this. I heard him the next day telling his friend about it and how cool it was. I have no doubt that the day is coming when Britton will walk into our home and ask if he can give it or his clothes away. Every year when we pack shoe boxes, he goes to his playroom and gets toys out. He is VERY particular..they must look nice, look new, and be non violent toys. He then puts them in his shoe box to send to other children.

He is fearless. Britton has no idea that the world can be a tough place for a person with a tender heart like his. He has no reservations about telling others they too should give to others. He isn't doing it to be bossy, he just wants everyone to give because HE enjoys it, he says YOU will too!

I remember when I had Britton, I constantly worried that I wouldn't be a good example to him. Little did I know that HE would teach ME.

Brit-boo..I hope you NEVER lose any of this! You are amazing!!