Somedays go by and I only think of her once, but other days are like today....when I think of her and all of a sudden I feel like my heart is broken and I could break down in tears. I feel like Shelby was stolen from us...we didn't even have her for a year and a half...she was a member of my family. I miss rubbing her ears...I miss kissing her head...I miss watching Aidy play with her...I MISS HER.....

Music...Life...Joy's & Tragedy

A week or so ago, I found out that one of my friends from high school's brother has leukemia. They rushed him to a St Louis hospital with the hopes that the type they believed it was would be easy to nip in the bud. 6 days later, they find out it's worse than they believed. He is a husband & a daddy of 3 girls exactly the same ages as my boys. My heart sunk. I knew I wanted to send an e card to him and his wife at the hospital, but wasn't sure what to say...I decided to wait..

I was bebopping around the kitchen, music playing on my computer...love the new Brandon Heath's cd...Aidy's eating lunch, Liam's eating a cracker in his high chair and I am trying to get the boys to eat. All of a sudden, I felt the urge to stop. I was reminded of the testimony of Jeremy Camp, the Christian music artist who lost his wife to cancer & the song that his experience inspired.

God had given me the words to share with him and his wife. I don't know if they will comfort him or her...how DO you comfort someone in the prime of their lives after they've been told this may be it? What do you say? What do you do? I did all that I know to do...I placed them in the hands of my Father...he is Healer, Comforter, Sustainer, and a beautiful Poet...HE can take care of the situation in a way I cannot.

If I am ever in the situation that my friends are in, I pray that you, my friends/family will remind me of this post...b/c I know when you're IN the mire, you don't always remember what you KNOW to be true...

Christmas in.....April (it's all a frame of mind)

Today when we were on our way home from church, Aidan was sitting in the back seat, singing.....Christmas songs! He was onto the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town when the words he "ad libbed" in caused our van to erupt in laughter. Here is what he sang...
"he see's you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, but he never really cares."

Josh and I were talking later and realized that this little addition to Aidy's song, explains sooo much!! ;)

Blessing or Bummer

Last night our area was hit with some really bad thunderstorms. They had our house rockin' and a rollin'! Well, mostly rockin'. Not much rollin'. Thankfully! This morning when I woke up and we got out the door, I was stunned to see our extremely tall oak laying on it's side, roots above ground. At first, I was bummed..almost teary eyed as I thought of the times I sat under that oak and prayed, read, or just thought. I had even taken Liam over to it before the storms moved in and we sat on a log and I sang to him. I really loved that big old tree. The boys were marveling at how huge it looked, laying there on it's side. I sat quietly and sort of cried inside. Throughout the day, when I would look out the window or think about the tree, a feeling of nostalgia would overtake me and a few times I felt an emotional lump rise up in my throat. However, about mid day, I noticed someone had posted on their social network page about the storms last night showing them God's majesty. So...that got me to thinking. I paused and silently prayed, God what do you want ME to see? I used this tree to spend time with you...What are you showing me? The answer didn't come suddenly...I actually prayed the same prayer several times during the day and spent much time just trying to listen. Then, a thought occured. It was small at first but as I allowed God's voice in, I realized exactly what he was trying to say. There was one point last night during the storms, that both of my boys were scared. VERY scared. As I said, the house was RoCKIN! The wind was blowing and the windows were popping. It was very frightening and I am not one to get scared of a storm. Josh, in an effort to comfort the boys, reminded them to pray. I held Liam on my lap and Josh had Aidan and Brit being the "big boy" was sitting in the floor. I bowed my head, more to humor the boys than to really pray...as I said, I wasn't THAT scared. I heard a slight whimper when Josh began to pray and I raised my head. My oldest son, being so brave was sitting there, tears rolling down his cheeks, trying so hard to hold back a sob. I sunk down into the floor with him and held him too and at that point, I began to pray too. I prayed God would protect our home..my boys and Josh and I. Keep us safe. If it was his will to take our house, please keep us safe in the place we were. Amen.
the tree.....
I remembered the above moment as I allowed God to speak to me. As I remembered that ever so precious moment, I realized...God had the power to take our house...to allow the winds to push our house right over, the way they did the tree...but he spared us. Our house went untouched. The tree went down. The house, where my home was located, was safe! The tree, that means NOTHING to me compared to my family went down.
Praise You God...you are so good...Thank you for pushing those strong winds past our home and onto the tree...

religous rhetoric or following Him..

"We serve a God who grabs scalawags and ragamuffins by the scruff of the neck and raises them up to seat them with the princes and princesses of His people. Is this miracle enough for anybody? Or has the thunder of "God so loved the world so much" been so muffled by the roar of religious rhetoric that we are deaf to the word that God could have tender feelings for us." ~Brennan Manning

Wow...So, the first part of what Brennan said is ground breaking to me. Thank you LORD for grabbing the scalawags and ragamuffins! And the fact that he puts us up there with the princes & princesses..shew! What a thought...I have always wanted to be a princess. But maybe just to be UP there with one would be awesome enough...For God to love me just a tad as much as a princess is heartwarming for me. Then I kept reading..."Or has the thunder...etc." And it was like with the words penned by Brennan Manning, God was grabbing me by the scruff of the neck and saying..HEY...Did you see that? And I was forced to ask myself AM I so deaf that I forget that God has tender feelings for me? Do I get so caught up in the religious rhetoric that I forget that? So wrapped up in the RIGHT way to act...so caught up in my own STUFF?

I have always thought that I am in grave danger of making God into my very own personal Santa Claus...God I want this, this and oh yeah, THIS...Can you fix this, make this happen, etc. the list goes on & on. Sometimes my prayers are more like an adult Christmas list. But, if I am going to ask these things of God, I have to remember ONE important thing. What do you want ME to do? What can I do for you God?

A few days ago, Josh and I were talking on the phone, I was on my way to get Aidan from school and Josh was at work. We had just placed the For Sale sign in the yard, step ONE of our relocation to where God has called us. I was feeling a bit stressed and bogged down and I told Josh such. I said, "Wouldn't it just be easier NOT to move? I wouldn't have to keep the house clean, family would be happy with us again, and we wouldn't have to change the kids lives." Josh didn't agree with me, but he didn't disagree with me either. The question just kind of hung in the air. I then hung up the phone and reached to turn up the radio. "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson was JUST coming on...he was describing how it's easier to pretend all is right, to leave things the way they are, to turn a blind eye to what you SHOULD do. Hmph..sound familiar? Then, came the chorus...I don't wanna live like I don't care, I don't wanna say another empty prayer, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else, to do what God has called me to do myself...

I had to chuckle and I actually threw one hand up and said, "Alright God, I hear ya." It WOULD be easier...BUT God hasn't called me to do easy...he gave Josh and I three young men to raise..it's our job to show them by example how to OBEY God...even when it's hard...

Tonight I was feeling a wee bit down, as Aidan would say, and I got out my favorite Brennan Manning book. God always seems to show me something I need to hear when I read this book and he did not disappoint. One of the first things I read was the above quote. Ok...God, I get it..It may be scary..leaving a place where I am familiar, where my friends are, where my church is and the place near family...BUT, YOU love me. You are not calling me to do something that is going to be harmful to me, Josh or our boys. You want me to be yours...ALL yours...You have placed me up with the princesses...and you tell me you Love me. That is ALL I need. No need to be scared..I am in your hands..

Wow..

Because I love my God, I want to put aside all rhetoric, even if that means doing something that society has pegged as "crazy" and follow Him...I wonder how many of the Christians I know would actually drop their jobs, their houses, their cars to follow Jesus if he were to show up at their homes/place of employment. Would I? Well, we are about to find out!

drama...the club I can't seem to get out of

Was talking to a dear friend today and she made a comment that I'm sure to her meant nothing, but seemed to grab my attention in a BIG way. I was filling her in on the goings on of my life and she said, "girl, you always have drama." Four little words that made me feel like my knees were going to buckle...I do not WANT drama...I made a commitment a year and a half ago to live as drama free as possible. However, I feel like drama always seems to find me. Or maybe that's the drama queen in me. Yikes. So, starting from this day forward, I am going to work extra hard to be as positive as I can possibly be. I am going to be more compassionate and more understanding and make sure that at all times I am not acting as if the world revolves around me. I am going to continue to strive to be a good mom and wife and continue to love my friends and enjoy meeting new people. I am going to continue to deserve the title "daughter of the king" and I am going to be as DRAMA free as I can be! So, good bye, Drama Club! This sister is turning in her member card!

BTW~if you are a dear friend of mine and you see me trying to re-enlist in the drama club, TELL ME!

~me

I Refuse..

I went to see Josh Wilson in concert last night with my three boys and husband. I was so excited to see Josh and Matthew West both...I couldn't wait to see Josh Wilson sing my song "Before The Morning", a song that has become a sort of anthem for me.

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there's a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Every part of this song resonates with me. There have been so many times when I have felt like I am being attacked by everything at once, and I say a prayer, something like, God I cannot handle this anymore...and it is ALWAYS at that moment whether I'm in the car or in the house with the radio on, that at that moment, I hear "Before the Morning" come on.

So, here we were at the concert and I was so eager to hear Josh Wilson sing my song. The first song he sings is "I Refuse", a song I have heard on the radio numerous times, but never REALLY listened to. Sunday night, I listened.

Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care.

I don’t want to say another empty prayer.

Oh, I refuse to

Sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself.

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse.

A year and a half ago, God told me that we would be moving to Colorado. I really wasn't sure why, still am not sure, but the love that God has given me for this place is unmistakable. I have no doubt that either for my sons future's or mine and Josh's, our home will someday be Colorado. Occasionally, I get scared and think maybe I have misunderstood. Maybe God really DIDN'T call me. Maybe I am wrong. I have the thoughts that I am comfortable here. My kids are in good schools, we have friends, our families are here...But Sunday, as I actually listened to this song, it was like God was slapping me in between the eyes. Because, I DON'T want to live like I don't care...I DON'T want to say another empty prayer...I REFUSE..I refuse to sit around and wait for SOMEONE else to do what GOD has called me to DO MYSELF...I COULD choose not to move, but I REFUSE! In the last year and a half, God has shown me many things. Yes, I can do work here, but he has called me to do work THERE. I could choose, not to move, but...hey, I REFUSE! I am NOT going to let anyone else do the job God has called me to.

I may not know exactly WHEN God is going to say, GO...I do not know HOW it is all going to work out...but I am willing, I am ready and I am living for Him while I'm waiting...