Therapy and Personal Time

Yesterday Josh, myself and the boys headed to St. Louis to get some items for Aidan's 4th birthday party. We had just left Target Greatland (sigh) and were headed to Whole Foods. As we drove through the parking lot, we passed a large pet store. I saw a small sign in the median that said "Rescue Pet Adoption Today". I turned the car into a parking lot and put the car in park. Josh said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Aidan and I are going in." Josh replied, "um, ok?" I turned toward Aidan and said, "come on Aidy, come in with me." He questioned me when we were going in. I explained that I thought there were some animals in there and we were going in to see them. We walked in and I turned right, following a sign that read "Adoptions". As I lead Aidy, his voice got very animated "Momma, I saw puppies in a kennel, come ON!" I let him lead me. We saw the puppies and both Aidy and I fell to our knees. I can only imagine what we looked like. I opened a kennel and picked up a puppy, the same vanilla color as Shelby. The puppy was scared, so I held her. I squatted down and Aidy hugged the dog and began loving on her. I watched..unable to form words. We spent the next 15 minutes lost in puppy love, hugging and snuggling. Aidy kept giving the puppy treats and petting them. I watched and marveled. And I smiled! I smiled from ear to ear...I smiled like a crazy person...and a realization came to me. I knew the week that we lost Shelby that one of the biggest things I missed was seeing Shelby and Aidy together. I missed watching my middle child, my snuggle bunny give love to another creature. Unconditional, selfless love. In that pet store with some pets who needed love as much as we needed to give it, I got to see it again. I enjoyed every minute of it. I have noticed that in the past few weeks since we have lost Shelby, Aidan has been kind of grumpy. He hasn't talked about her much and when we try to talk about her happy moments, he would not respond. He would actually shut down on us. After we left the pet store, and got into the car, he spent the next several hours periodically recalling happy things about Shelby and her short life with us. Then after we got home, he said, "Momma, I enjoyed our personal time." I wasn't sure to what he was referring and I said as much. He said, "when it was just you and me wooking at the puppies." I felt my heart lurch, "Yes Aidy, I loved our personal time too." I smiled and thought: oh yes, it did momma so good to see you hold and love on a puppy again...and yes, I LOVED our personal time...our personal mourning time...something that ONLY Aidan and I could understand...something we need to experience together. A VERY good personal time indeed.