Being a Mom is hard....

As I've mentioned before, I once heard a quote that becoming a mother is to forever have your heart walk around outside your body....Never have I felt the weight of this quote more than this week. Britton started first grade at a new school this week. Monday was great. He came home and said he liked his teacher and she was awesome...However, yesterday he sang a bit of a different tune. After pick up, he was quiet. I asked him about his day and he told me he learned that a sentence begins with a capital and ends with a period. He said PE was fun and he likes his PE teacher and at recess he played with Thomas (the neighbor boy) who offered to share his snack with him..."I said, No thank you, I'm not hungry" Brit told me....Then he dropped the bomb on me..."I am ready to go back to St Paul." Shocked, I said, "Brit, that's not an option, honey..You are at South now. This is where we will be until we move or you move on." He said, "but I wanna see my friends." I didn't know what to say.

Later, I found out that he sat alone at lunch and he feels like no one likes him. He is nervous and anxious and he doesn't wanna go in the school by himself. He said he got lost and he was scared to ask to go to the bathroom. My heart lurched.

And here is where parenting becomes hard...no one tells you when you have kids that the first time you see your normally confident child experience anxiety or nervousness that your heart will twist in 100 different directions and that you will feel helpless. No one tells you that the first time your child is in a new environment and is old enough to be aware that there are kids who ARE NOT scared or nervous will make you wanna keep them at home for the rest of their lives. I know I cannot do this, I know I must encourage him. We read Chrysanthemum, talked about new experiences and how scary it can be...we talked about how hard it is to come into a school where you don't know anyone. We talked about how fun it is to meet new people...we talked, we prayed. His response was that he put his arms around me and asked in his prayers for "God to bless my mother".... being a mom is HARD....here he was feeling scared, alone, nervous, anxious and he was praying for ME. Maybe it is through that blessing that God will give me the wisdom to help Brit through this time...maybe it helped him to think of me instead of his situation....whatever the reason, my heart twisted, one more time.

I went to bed with tears in my heart and on my pillow. I was torn between being angry at myself for doing this to my child and feeling helpless to fix it. I know South is where God wants Britton...no doubt about that...way too much praying was done...He didn't tell me it was going to be PERFECT or EASY though and THAT is where being a mom is HARD! Oh, so hard...

I've been told by friends who have raised their children and launched them into adulthood that it doesn't go away....the knot, the twisting...It just gets easier to put them into God's hands because he proves faithful...so here goes...God he is yours..You love him more than I ever could..you see all...watch him, comfort him, wrap your arms around him so he doesn't feel alone..help him NOT to be scared or sad....give him a classmate/friend. He is yours, but God you loaned him to me and my heart is twisted...I don't like him to feel sad or scared...

I must keep telling myself...He is HIS...He is HIS...I must trust..but MAN, being a mom is HARD.....

It is from God that parents receive their children, and it is to God that they should lead them." Dietrich Bonhoeffer..

First Grade

Britton~

you start first grade tomorrow morning. You were so excited tonight that though we had you tucked in at 8:30, you were still awake at 10. When I went in to check on you, you said, "Momma, I can't go to sleep". I was always like that too...I couldn't WAIT to start each school year.

We have had such a fun summer. We went to Destin, Florida, St Louis (many times) and Uncle Ricky took you to Trail of Tears. We swam, played with bubbles, rode bikes, threw rocks in the river, played in the sprinkler, played with the neighbor kids and ate A LOT of popsicles!!! I was expecting Liam this entire summer. Which made doing things so difficult at times. You were so patient with me though. You would help me out. You'd clean up your toys and occasionally offer to get me something if you thought I needed it. You played with your brother and grew before my eyes. You took Tennis lessons this summer and decided you didn't want to play soccer this summer, but instead wants to play basketball in the winter. You have developed a mind of your own, which you've always KIND OF had, but REALLY have become an independent thinker.

You look more and more like a BOY instead of a lil kid. You are constantly trying to teach your brother something new. You are becoming quite the BIG brother.

I am so proud of you Brit! You are a true gem. You make being a mom an easy job. You always have. I enjoy being your mom. Always have. You are my first child/son. Just keep in mind as you enter first grade that as much as I love you, which is a lot...God loves you more. You are His...He is always with you, as long as you want Him there. Be a light for Him in your new school. You will be fine....your daddy and I will pray for you during the day while you are going through your day. I love you and can't believe you are a 1st grader...cheers to you my oldest son...I am proud of you...here's to a GREAT 1st grade year!!!

Love you,

Momma

moments I'm so blessed I witnessed....

1. the other day we were in line at Hobby Lobby and Aidy says, 'Brit why is there a wainbow adin?' Brit said, 'because God said he would send a rainbow to remind us that he has promised to never flood the earth again.' Aidy, said, with thumb in mouth, 'awshum'...

2. Josh and I were in the kitchen. I was cooking supper and Josh was taking the chairs off the table, as he had just helped me by cleaning the floors. Aidan walked into the room and said, "Wow daddy, are you strong like me?!" Josh laughed and said, "yeah, buddy, I'm strong like you".....

3. Brit and Aidy were swimming in the pool at our home. Brit said, "jump Aidy, I promise I'll catch you." Aidy, said, "no." Brit, "come on, I promise." Aidy, "Ok Bit, but pwomise not to wet go." Brit, "I promise, Aidy." he jumped...Brit caught him and did NOT let go! ;)

Being a stay at home mom at times can be trying...annoying, exhausting...how many more adjectives can I come up with...but these three days...I was sooo glad I was able to be home and witness these little things said by my boys. Makes me so proud to be a mom and it makes being a stay at home mom SOOOOO worth it!

10 foot tall and bullet proof

I have said before that Aidan knows no fear...He truly thinks he is 10 feet tall and bullet proof...well today, at Target, he proved once again that he truly thinks he is tough stuff. We were in the checkout and there was a family in front of us. I was loading the stuff on the counter and Aidan was standing in front of me. I happened to look down and Aidan had his nose wrinkled up and his tongue out at the boy in front of me...I said, "aidan, what are you doing, no sir, that is not ok." He looked at me with true sincerity and said, "Well, he did it to me first." Fact worth noting: the little boy was about 8 or 9....Aidan was NOT scared of him!!! My fearless boy!!! ;)

in the middle of the night...

It is 3:44 a.m. and I am awake....Normally this would upset me. However, I am finding that this is the time that God wakes me up and I spend time with Him, lifting my kids up, asking for His help in raising them.

It is always the same. I wake up around 3 with an urgency in my heart to lift up my kids in prayer for one issue or another so I get up, walk in their room, kneel, lay my hand on them and pray. Sometimes, if it's something that I feel really passionate about, words escape me. When this happens I find myself simply laying my hands on them and listening...I listen to the sound of their breathing, but more importantly I listen to what God is saying to me. I find that THIS is when our conversations are the most vivid. No, I am not dreaming. I am wide awake. I sometimes hear him telling me what I need to do to be a better mom, or what I need to do to protect them from the evil that's out there. Other times, I go in there, kneel down and know exactly what God wants to hear from me. I pray...I plead...and at times, I cry...Never in my life has my spiritual life been more active. I can almost SEE the evil around trying to invade my sons lives...I force it away in HIS name...I am almost always reminded of the painting by Ron Dicianni depicting an angel standing over a little boy as he sleeps...I have actually said, THAT God...THAT is what I am asking you to do right now...send an angel, of protection to watch my sons....to protect them from what I cannot see...

As I write this, I am sitting in Liam's room. He is in my tummy kicking around, happy as can be. I feel these little kicks and stop typing to place my hands and lift his little soul up. I find myself thanking God for him...pleading with God to protect him and deliver him safely to my arms and then to protect him thereafter.

Thank you Lord, for waking me up to talk to me....I love our talks..and I love the boys you have placed in my care...help me to not fail, to not fall..to raise them in YOUR image...Thank you God..

Stay at home mom, aka Professional Homemaker...

I had the privilege of meeting a lady who said in response of my answer of "I stay home", "oh, you're a professional homemaker." I could have hugged her. So often when I meet someone new and they ask what I do for a living and I say stay home, they say kind of quiet, 'oh'. Like oh, well, what you do isn't important, or it makes me uncomfortable, so I just won't say anything.

I have decided to change my thinking...From now on, whenever someone asks me what I do, I am going to hold my head up proudly, smile and say "I am a stay at home mom." I no longer care what people think of my profession. I am doing what God has asked of me. So from now on, here is my job description....

Uniform: any shirt is acceptable as long as it has mustard or ketchup on the shoulder, pants or shorts and they must have greasy fingerprints on them. hair~pony tail or pulled up with clips is the best.

Begin work with the sun or when the little guys come in and jump on you and ask for breakfast. Must be ready to hit the ground running. During the day you are responsible for preparing meals, cleaning up after meals, wiping mouths, wiping noses, breaking up fights and settling disputes. You also must enforce the completion of chores, and maintain a moderately happy environment.

You also need to be able to stop doing housework at a moments notice and snuggle in a chair with the child and their lovey. And if needed lay down with them while they take their nap.

The perks of this job are you get told 'I love you' at various times of the day and with no notice at all, a huge hug comes your way. You also are able to witness those little moments that makes being a mom worth while. Like when your children are playing together or when they tell you that no one is as beautiful as you are.

I am a stay at home mom.....aka a Professional Homemaker and so happy to be such!!!!

Awake again...

With all three of my pregnancies, the last month is marked by one thing....insomnia! I have the most awful time getting comfortable and am completely unable to sleep. For some, baby coming means less sleep. For me, it means MORE! With Britton I would lay on the couch and watch tv and try to sleep as I had to teach the next day. With Aidan, I would lay on the couch, watch tv and panic over having another child. With Liam, since he is our last, I find myself sitting in my chair, gazing out my window, thinking of my past two pregnancies and how different they have been. Last night was no different than any other night. About 3 a.m. I awoke and couldn't go back to sleep. I was burning up, though everyone else in the house was covered as if they were sleeping in a blizzard, and I was uncomfortable. So, instead of tossing and turning, I got up, when to Liam's room and sat in my chair and looked out the window. As I sat there I thought about how when Liam gets here, I will be able to sleep a little more again. Then I started remembering what it was like for each child and myself when they awoke in the middle of the night. I feel like I need to write them down, as I hadn't realized I remembered so much and someday I may forget....

Britton:

When Britton was a newborn, he wouldn't sleep unless he was holding my finger. I would take my pillow and put it half on my bed and on the side of his bassinet and hold his finger all night long. When he was awakening for a feeding, he would just belt it. Let out a scream. There was no building up to it. He was hungry and he wanted fed...NOW! I would nurse Britton, and sometimes we fell asleep together. I would awaken 2 hours later and try to put him in his bed, but no go..he needed my finger or me holding him!

Aidan:

When Aidan was a newborn, I didn't nurse. So, he would sleep a little longer than Brit. He would sleep in his bassinet and I would hear him start to stir. I knew that it meant it was time for him to eat. I would roll over, and hit the button on the bottle warmer and sneak in a few more z's before he really started to fuss, 2 minutes later! He would eat and then I would place him in his bed. He was back to sleep before I could get laid back down.

Each child so different. I am so curious as to how Liam will be. Will he be a screamer, feed me now, darn it...or will he just fuss a bit until he gets his bottle. I am so excited for him to be here. Ready to start our life with him. We are already making plans that include him, aka, vacation in October, vacation in December, wedding in June....but I am ready for him to be here now. I wanna see how Aidan reacts the first time he sees him. I cannot wait. I wanna see Britton the first time he kisses his brother's head. (he kisses my tummy now all the time and says, Hi Liam, it's Britton and I love you.) I know that he will be here for sure in a month, but that seems so far away. Especially since I do not sleep. I can wait, sure, but do I want to? No way! I wanna see this sweet baby now. Our final member of our family...Liam Jakob.....how will YOU make your mark on this family?! We will see soon enough!