Blessing or Bummer

Last night our area was hit with some really bad thunderstorms. They had our house rockin' and a rollin'! Well, mostly rockin'. Not much rollin'. Thankfully! This morning when I woke up and we got out the door, I was stunned to see our extremely tall oak laying on it's side, roots above ground. At first, I was bummed..almost teary eyed as I thought of the times I sat under that oak and prayed, read, or just thought. I had even taken Liam over to it before the storms moved in and we sat on a log and I sang to him. I really loved that big old tree. The boys were marveling at how huge it looked, laying there on it's side. I sat quietly and sort of cried inside. Throughout the day, when I would look out the window or think about the tree, a feeling of nostalgia would overtake me and a few times I felt an emotional lump rise up in my throat. However, about mid day, I noticed someone had posted on their social network page about the storms last night showing them God's majesty. So...that got me to thinking. I paused and silently prayed, God what do you want ME to see? I used this tree to spend time with you...What are you showing me? The answer didn't come suddenly...I actually prayed the same prayer several times during the day and spent much time just trying to listen. Then, a thought occured. It was small at first but as I allowed God's voice in, I realized exactly what he was trying to say. There was one point last night during the storms, that both of my boys were scared. VERY scared. As I said, the house was RoCKIN! The wind was blowing and the windows were popping. It was very frightening and I am not one to get scared of a storm. Josh, in an effort to comfort the boys, reminded them to pray. I held Liam on my lap and Josh had Aidan and Brit being the "big boy" was sitting in the floor. I bowed my head, more to humor the boys than to really pray...as I said, I wasn't THAT scared. I heard a slight whimper when Josh began to pray and I raised my head. My oldest son, being so brave was sitting there, tears rolling down his cheeks, trying so hard to hold back a sob. I sunk down into the floor with him and held him too and at that point, I began to pray too. I prayed God would protect our home..my boys and Josh and I. Keep us safe. If it was his will to take our house, please keep us safe in the place we were. Amen.
the tree.....
I remembered the above moment as I allowed God to speak to me. As I remembered that ever so precious moment, I realized...God had the power to take our house...to allow the winds to push our house right over, the way they did the tree...but he spared us. Our house went untouched. The tree went down. The house, where my home was located, was safe! The tree, that means NOTHING to me compared to my family went down.
Praise You God...you are so good...Thank you for pushing those strong winds past our home and onto the tree...

religous rhetoric or following Him..

"We serve a God who grabs scalawags and ragamuffins by the scruff of the neck and raises them up to seat them with the princes and princesses of His people. Is this miracle enough for anybody? Or has the thunder of "God so loved the world so much" been so muffled by the roar of religious rhetoric that we are deaf to the word that God could have tender feelings for us." ~Brennan Manning

Wow...So, the first part of what Brennan said is ground breaking to me. Thank you LORD for grabbing the scalawags and ragamuffins! And the fact that he puts us up there with the princes & princesses..shew! What a thought...I have always wanted to be a princess. But maybe just to be UP there with one would be awesome enough...For God to love me just a tad as much as a princess is heartwarming for me. Then I kept reading..."Or has the thunder...etc." And it was like with the words penned by Brennan Manning, God was grabbing me by the scruff of the neck and saying..HEY...Did you see that? And I was forced to ask myself AM I so deaf that I forget that God has tender feelings for me? Do I get so caught up in the religious rhetoric that I forget that? So wrapped up in the RIGHT way to act...so caught up in my own STUFF?

I have always thought that I am in grave danger of making God into my very own personal Santa Claus...God I want this, this and oh yeah, THIS...Can you fix this, make this happen, etc. the list goes on & on. Sometimes my prayers are more like an adult Christmas list. But, if I am going to ask these things of God, I have to remember ONE important thing. What do you want ME to do? What can I do for you God?

A few days ago, Josh and I were talking on the phone, I was on my way to get Aidan from school and Josh was at work. We had just placed the For Sale sign in the yard, step ONE of our relocation to where God has called us. I was feeling a bit stressed and bogged down and I told Josh such. I said, "Wouldn't it just be easier NOT to move? I wouldn't have to keep the house clean, family would be happy with us again, and we wouldn't have to change the kids lives." Josh didn't agree with me, but he didn't disagree with me either. The question just kind of hung in the air. I then hung up the phone and reached to turn up the radio. "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson was JUST coming on...he was describing how it's easier to pretend all is right, to leave things the way they are, to turn a blind eye to what you SHOULD do. Hmph..sound familiar? Then, came the chorus...I don't wanna live like I don't care, I don't wanna say another empty prayer, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else, to do what God has called me to do myself...

I had to chuckle and I actually threw one hand up and said, "Alright God, I hear ya." It WOULD be easier...BUT God hasn't called me to do easy...he gave Josh and I three young men to raise..it's our job to show them by example how to OBEY God...even when it's hard...

Tonight I was feeling a wee bit down, as Aidan would say, and I got out my favorite Brennan Manning book. God always seems to show me something I need to hear when I read this book and he did not disappoint. One of the first things I read was the above quote. Ok...God, I get it..It may be scary..leaving a place where I am familiar, where my friends are, where my church is and the place near family...BUT, YOU love me. You are not calling me to do something that is going to be harmful to me, Josh or our boys. You want me to be yours...ALL yours...You have placed me up with the princesses...and you tell me you Love me. That is ALL I need. No need to be scared..I am in your hands..

Wow..

Because I love my God, I want to put aside all rhetoric, even if that means doing something that society has pegged as "crazy" and follow Him...I wonder how many of the Christians I know would actually drop their jobs, their houses, their cars to follow Jesus if he were to show up at their homes/place of employment. Would I? Well, we are about to find out!

drama...the club I can't seem to get out of

Was talking to a dear friend today and she made a comment that I'm sure to her meant nothing, but seemed to grab my attention in a BIG way. I was filling her in on the goings on of my life and she said, "girl, you always have drama." Four little words that made me feel like my knees were going to buckle...I do not WANT drama...I made a commitment a year and a half ago to live as drama free as possible. However, I feel like drama always seems to find me. Or maybe that's the drama queen in me. Yikes. So, starting from this day forward, I am going to work extra hard to be as positive as I can possibly be. I am going to be more compassionate and more understanding and make sure that at all times I am not acting as if the world revolves around me. I am going to continue to strive to be a good mom and wife and continue to love my friends and enjoy meeting new people. I am going to continue to deserve the title "daughter of the king" and I am going to be as DRAMA free as I can be! So, good bye, Drama Club! This sister is turning in her member card!

BTW~if you are a dear friend of mine and you see me trying to re-enlist in the drama club, TELL ME!

~me

I Refuse..

I went to see Josh Wilson in concert last night with my three boys and husband. I was so excited to see Josh and Matthew West both...I couldn't wait to see Josh Wilson sing my song "Before The Morning", a song that has become a sort of anthem for me.

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there's a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Every part of this song resonates with me. There have been so many times when I have felt like I am being attacked by everything at once, and I say a prayer, something like, God I cannot handle this anymore...and it is ALWAYS at that moment whether I'm in the car or in the house with the radio on, that at that moment, I hear "Before the Morning" come on.

So, here we were at the concert and I was so eager to hear Josh Wilson sing my song. The first song he sings is "I Refuse", a song I have heard on the radio numerous times, but never REALLY listened to. Sunday night, I listened.

Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care.

I don’t want to say another empty prayer.

Oh, I refuse to

Sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself.

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse.

A year and a half ago, God told me that we would be moving to Colorado. I really wasn't sure why, still am not sure, but the love that God has given me for this place is unmistakable. I have no doubt that either for my sons future's or mine and Josh's, our home will someday be Colorado. Occasionally, I get scared and think maybe I have misunderstood. Maybe God really DIDN'T call me. Maybe I am wrong. I have the thoughts that I am comfortable here. My kids are in good schools, we have friends, our families are here...But Sunday, as I actually listened to this song, it was like God was slapping me in between the eyes. Because, I DON'T want to live like I don't care...I DON'T want to say another empty prayer...I REFUSE..I refuse to sit around and wait for SOMEONE else to do what GOD has called me to DO MYSELF...I COULD choose not to move, but I REFUSE! In the last year and a half, God has shown me many things. Yes, I can do work here, but he has called me to do work THERE. I could choose, not to move, but...hey, I REFUSE! I am NOT going to let anyone else do the job God has called me to.

I may not know exactly WHEN God is going to say, GO...I do not know HOW it is all going to work out...but I am willing, I am ready and I am living for Him while I'm waiting...

Breathless

Riding on the wings of a major spiritual high last night, I awoke this morning and felt this crazy urge to write. I don't know why I am always surprised when God does something BIG in my life..but last night he did and I feel almost breathless.

I don't recall if I have mentioned it before, but after all three of my babies, I suffered from fairly serious post-partum depression. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have post-partum psychosis, where the mom considers harming herself or the baby, but depression. I was extremely weepy after each delivery and with Liam was hit with something new, panic attacks. I only had 2 before we figured out the cause and called the doctor, but they scared me to death. If you've ever had one, you know exactly what I'm talking about..if you haven't, pray you don't! My brother, whom was staying with us at the time, was scared to death. And to tell you the truth, so was I. Due to the fact that I am now, almost 8 months post partum, I have begun weaning myself off the medicine used to treat my post-partum depression symptoms. In the past I have been so eager to stop them, that I began weaning with anticipation. However, this time, I was a little frightened. I told you, those panic attacks scared me to death and I did NOT want to face them again. I told Josh if he sees ANYTHING different to please tell me.

Yesterday, having had very little medication for a few days, I felt kinda dumpy. I debated whether it was meds or stress or just the fact that I cannot seem to kick this cold. I decided it was the cold and proceeded on. However, all day long I longed to speak to my closest gal pal. She lives in another city, several hours away, and she teaches, making reaching her during the day impossible, unless of an emergency. I was feeling icky, emotionally, but that definitely didn't qualify as an emergency. I called a few friends, who are local and chatted with them and though it was great, I just really needed to talk to my gal pal. If you have a gal pal, you understand why. It's that one in a million friendship. My friend, Cris and I, have been there for each other's babies births, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, even had a fallen out at one time, but the friendship has endured the trials thrown at it. Our personalities are so different...but for some reason that makes it work. I tend to be opinionated, she is reserved, I am quick tempered, she is calm and collected at all times...I cannot recall when I have EVER heard her raise her voice....I have a feeling she cannot say the same about me. Whenever I think of describing my friend, I recall the line from the movie StepMom when Julia Roberts is describing Susan Sarandon. She said, "you are mother earth incarnate." That is my friend Cris. She makes everything from scratch...I will manage to find a short cut for everything I bake/cook! Her house is immaculate at all times....mine, eh...She is tall, I am short...she is skinny, me..well. *chuckle* When Cris was pregnant with her babies, she looked like she was carrying a basketball....I, on the other hand, LOOKED like a basketball! So opposite yet, she is the yin to my yang. She can manage to make me laugh when no one else can. It's a type of sisterhood that until I met Cris, had never truly experienced before. So, due to my cold and dumpy feeling, I realized that I just needed, what Josh and I refer to as, a Cris-chat. Unable to, I just pressed on, played with my boys, cleaning house, etc. While sitting at the dinner table, my phone beeped that I had a new message on Facebook. I glanced and noticed it was from Cris. Knowing that it was likely their suppertime too, I thought I had better look to make sure all was well. After opening the message I was speechless. It said that she and her family had been at our favorite pizza place and she had seen two families enjoying pizza together and it made her sad...and missing us. Oy, did I understand that feeling! I read the message to Josh and decided to message her after we ate, but continued to ponder our friendship. You see recently, I have come face to face with a few people who during mine and Josh's turbulent time, managed to make things so much worse for us. For some reason, it was like they were getting a high from stirring things up. I have carried a sort of guilt with me over this and had the thought, well, if I had been a better friend, or maybe I am wrong...or maybe...

Not realizing that this could be part of the reason for my dumpy feeling, I hadn't really talked with Josh about it, much less prayed about it. After my message from Cris, I still hadn't given it much thought, but I had this overwhelming sense to get my bible out and read it. I wanted to find a scripture to pray over our friendship. So armed with my Bible and my laptop (I use a program on it that allows me to do key word searches in the Bible) I typed in "friendship".

Here is the GOOD part...8 scripture references came up. This was the first one....

"Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live." Deuteronomy 23:6

I was speechless. As soon as I read this I knew, I KNEW how troubled my spirit had been over these recent reminders. Once again, God came forward and said, HEY! (I always imagine him saying, HEY WOMAN!!! No idea why..*chuckle*) It's time to put aside the guilt, quit letting it eat you, keep you from me and don't worry about it. Now, the whole point in me looking in my Bible was to find a scripture to pray over my friendship with Cris, or so I thought...directly under the Deuteronomy verse was this...

"Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town." 1 Samuel 20:14

A reminder...using David again...the person I most relate to in my life...and here he is again. Reminding me that God is in control...God gave me Cris...she is my sister...and though I have been hurt by friendships in the past, God is protecting me.

I had this overwhelming urge to share this scripture/revelation with my friend so I private messaged her on FB. Explaining how we ARE Jonathan and David...she private messaged me back, in agreement. Oh what a blessing.

I am breathless....even now, as I recall the feeling I had when God showed me these two scriptures. I cannot help but praise Him. He showed me the first one...because without the cleansing of my spirit that needed to occur, the second wouldn't have held as much merit. He cleansed me, then restored me...As he always does....he is the same, yesterday, today and forever, and for THAT I am breathless...

A tradition of giving...

Today we celebrated Britton's birthday. We had his birthday party at the local bounce place. About 18 of his closest friends came and celebrated with us. It was a ton of fun. Today, however, it was not only fun, but just felt right...In our family, Josh and I feel like the art of gift giving isn't just about the gimme gimme gimme's...it's about someone who cares about you picking out a gift that they feel represents you or their friendship with you. Then the beauty of giving that special gift to you and being able to look you in the face as you marvel while opening it. In order to teach this lesson, when one of our boys are invited to a party, we take the boys to the store and let them pick out a gift for their friend. And when one of our boys is the recipient, we have each child who has brought a gift to one of our boys, we have that child hand the gift, one at a time to him. Sounds confusing...a wee bit crazy...and yes it takes more time...but the rewards are priceless!

At Aidan's last birthday, I asked each child, who brought a present to get their present and give it to Aidan...we did this one at a time...then Aidan was able to sit with his friend and open the gift they chose for him. With Aidan, because of his age, the child watched Aidan open his gift and then moved over and let the next person go...but this time, with Brit it was a little different. Because our "gift giving/receiving" tradition is so different, I always have to explain it. But not once have I heard anyone complain. Why would they...who doesn't want to GIVE and hand a gift to their friend and see the excitement on their face as they open it?! Sometimes the giving is the BEST part!! Especially if you have picked the gift that you feel is the perfect gift! After I explain our tradition, the kids run to get their presents and are constantly asking if they can go next. This year, as I said, I explained our tradition, let the kiddos get their gifts and then called them up one by one to hand their specially chosen gift to Britton. As Britton opened the gift, I took a picture of them together. I usually send the picture with the Thank You card. As I said, in years past, as with Aidan, it usually goes fairly fast. However, this year it was different. Maybe because they're older but things were definitely different. Britton's friends sat with him, some for several minutes as he opened their gift. They visited, giggled, the friends shared WHY they chose that gift and some even explained how cool it was because it.... It was touching to see. At one point, one of Brit's friends explained how she had made his card just for him...she had worked hard and it was evident. Britton looked at the card and said, "wow, Celesse, that's precious." During one moment, I moved closer to Brit's chair to hurry him and his little friend along, when I saw them huddled over the book that Brit had just been given, discussing how cool it was...I took a step back and paused...I thought, why rush him. This is why we chose to do things this way...so that Britton understands that the truest gift is one given of the heart. It doesn't matter how much it is, or how fancy or big it is...just that the person thought enough of him to give him a gift. A gift that they chose for him.

I am so proud of my little 7 year old man...today, on his 7th birthday...he got it..he understood the joy of receiving and giving a gift. Some may think it's a silly tradition, and yes, it definitely takes twice as long, but for my family...we will continue this tradition as long as my boys are under my roof...and I look forward to the day when they pass it onto their children. What is more fun than receiving a gift but GIVING one?!!

Time

In four days my oldest child will turn 7. I remember so clearly the feeling of pure joy I felt when I first saw him. I have been thinking all week of the first time I saw him and the moments after. I remember my mom gasping in joy and saying, "Oh Misty" when she saw him exit my body and enter into this world. I remember how he refused to cry and how when they kept putting oxygen on him he would bat it away. He didn't need oxygen, silly nurses! I remember that he finally did cry as they gave him his bath and man did he cry! I remember it all. I found some pictures recently of Brit around 6 months of age, the same age as Liam. I sat in the floor and stared at them and thought where has the TIME gone? Yes, I know, he is ONLY 7..but it has went too fast. Let me tell you my thought process here...

My brother, who is now 23, was seven when I got married. I remember so vividly the little boy he was. Now, in four short months he will be getting married himself. Where has the time gone? He is a grown man now and ready to start a life of his own, like I did some 15 years ago. I know some of the time passed while I was in college and working. But pass it did...Now, here we are...my oldest son is 7, the same age my brother was when I got married and all I can think is I'm not ready for it to pass quite as quickly this time. I don't have any regrets with my brother because as much as I love him, he is not mine. But this time... I want to enjoy every moment....breathe in every second....and live every minute with my son. I don't want to be standing in a church with Britton ready to watch him marry his bride and say where did the time go? I do not want any regrets. I want to cherish it all. Every single bit of it! Even the times when we disagree or he makes poor choices....all of it. Because Britton is mine.

So here's to the next 15 years with my eldest son...I know without a doubt he will do great things..I am so proud to be his momma...so my prayer is God if you see me NOT enjoying every moment with him...give me a jolt...wake me up...shake me..remind me...how quick the time goes.